so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
