Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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