The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
