Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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