She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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