Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
