I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
