Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
