Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
