Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
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We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
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After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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