Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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