***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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