I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
