dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
