You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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