He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
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I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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