at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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