Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
