My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
