I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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