the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
