were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
