Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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