Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
