I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
