oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
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He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
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I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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