remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
