Ambien. No doubt about it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You made out with two different species that night
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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