I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
