Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
