you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Of course I have a pirate flag
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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