Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
