so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
And then he peed in my hair
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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