Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I will pee on everything he values.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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