i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
