the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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