My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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