i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
