I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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