It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
