I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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