Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
