kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
