How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
