I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
