I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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