I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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