Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
