I'm pants shitting drunk right now
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
