I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
