It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
