I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
