How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
