I wish I could teleport
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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