you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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