My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
