dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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