she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
