So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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