did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Randomize
