hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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